i want to die. i don't want to be here.
This morning i walked into form time and mr machin goes "can i have a quiet word with you?" and i say -sure- and he says that my kilt is too long and it needs to be hemmed. And i shrug and say okay and he tells me to do it before next monday. And i say, well, i don't know, my mum will have to do it and i don't know when she can, and he says, you could do it and i say i'm kind of a busy person and he says that's no excuse, he says "give a busy person a job that'll take 20 minutes and they'll do it" and i'm finding it hard to breathe about to cry so i just mumble okay and for some reason it's really hurting me. What is wrong with having my kilt a little longer? i don't know, for some reason i need little things like that. i like my kilt at this length because it's my sister's, i wear them the same as she did, no alterations these were hers. And i just hate the authority he has over me. That he can tell me to change the length of my fucking clothes and he won't let it go until i do it and i don't want to because i don't agree with his reasonings but i wasn't strong enough for an argument.
And it's thursday night and all dad does is watch the fucking races and when he's on the phone which is every five fucking minutes the internet gets cut off and he thinks he knows me. He thinks he knows everything that goes on in my mind. That i'm a selfish little bitch. Lazy and heartless. Well maybe i am. But i am so so sad, is it wrong to concentrate on my emotions for a while, and not act as if i'm okay?
And i just feel so.. inferior. To everyone. Everybody's doing really well this year and i just can't. Everybody's moved on from the earthquake and i just can't. i am so anxious. All the fucking time. My physics internal is the first excellence credits i've had this year and that really, really worries me. i hate getting merits. That calc one made me really, really angry when i didn't get the e. And i didn't get the speech and my music ones need to be fixed and anyway i don't even like music anymore. Today in music we watched the chamber music performances from last night and mrs K was there and i just wanted to be were they were. They all sounded so beautiful and put all that feeling into it and i'm just so sad that i didn't get to be in a chamber group this year even though i'm trying not to show it. i only have one more year of school. Blahhhh. And i'm not enjoying dancing at all, Georgia is just really pissing me off and i just don't fit in at all with the people. i mean, i never really have, but it's just really getting to me lately. And Margot's doing really well and i'm so jealous of her but i see her tumblr and her complaining and shit but she's got such a great life.. She's smart, pretty, has friends, involved, just.. everything.. and she doesn't give a shit for me anymore. i mean, it's okay, i guess, i wouldn't be my friend either. But it just hurts seeing her do so well. Everyone's doing things. Natmun and competitions and just general involvement and planning for after school. But i've got no idea where i'm going and i see no future and i can't get involved with things because i'm not good enough or nobody cares enough to ask me or adfghgsfd. And i really wanted to go to Argentina for the exchange but Dad wouldn't let me and blah. i need a job but i don't have time and i'm wasting money and life and EVERYTHING.
i think i'm starting to get sick again and my wrist is still fucked and i'm so tired
i'm so tired
i'm so tired
sing me to sleep
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