Ignorant.

i honestly thought that if we could get through what we did last year it would be okay. 
i thought it meant we could get through anything. 


The heartbreak i felt last year was at the time the worst feeling i have ever felt. Even worse than Alex dying. But last year was real. i could put my finger on exactly what was wrong with her. Maybe not me, but her getting better helped me and i thought it would be okay. In those months i felt weak and exhausted and lost and alone and dead. But we got through it. 


i think she's gone. Oh fuck, she's gone. She's gone. i have never felt so physically heartbroken. To know that she's hurting so fucking much and there's nothing i can do and she doesn't want me. i can not talk to her anymore. i will see her but i can't talk to her because she doesn't want to see my face or my words or hear my trouble. My girl-from-the-lake is gone.

What can i do now?

And i have so much anxiety. i am too terrified to enter my own bedroom. i cry all the time. i am so scared and angry all the fucking time.

i see no future with myself in it. i hate my mother. i do not hate my father but he wants nothing to do with me and we do not get along. My sister lives in a different city. She is getting pills and the help she needs for her anxiety without our parents knowing. i only know this because Tim told me. i haven't properly talked to her in around a year. When we are with each other we are only passing time. i only visit her in Dunedin to get away from everything in Christchurch and earthquakes. The earthquakes. i am petrified. They scare me so much and i cannot handle it. Luckily they hardly ever happen at school or dancing. When i feel them i cry and sometimes have anxiety attacks.

i can't sleep. When i do i have nightmares that are so vivid. Occasionally i have lucid dreams and then it switches to real life. My monsters come alive when i am alone. The doctor gave me sleeping pills. i pick up a week's worth every Thursday after school. But when i use them the dreams get worse, so i don't usually take them. i never took the antibiotics she gave me, either. i don't know why. i have stashes of pills in my room. My subconscious is making me save them. i suppose for if i really need an escape. i really need an escape. i don't want to be here. 

i am alone. i used to be alone. But then she saved me and i learnt what it was to be not alone. But now she's gone and i have never ever felt this alone. So cut off from everyone. So without hope.

i miss Margot. i miss her and i love her but she doesn't remember that we used to be friends.

i looked in the mirror. Tears tears tears and i started to be someone else and i didn't recognize myself at all. i don't know what is happening to me. 

i know i need help and the worst thing is that i will never be strong enough to tell the right people or say the right things and i'm terrified that one day i will just lose everything and finish it.

No one is here for me anymore. "Sometimes the wrong people save us."


My only hope is that Auntie Deb is still going to Canada and that she might take me with her.