Bruised Skin.

Today was hard.

Some of it in a good way, i guess. It started out as fine as it gets. i left at 7.10 to go to Kelsey's house briefly. The sky was being strange - half of it looked like it was going to be a 'beautiful sunny day.' The other half of it was the ominous rain-promising greycloudsky. The rain was trying to pus itself through the air but it wasn't getting very far. It was desperately wanting to fly toward the ground but it seemed like it just couldn't find enough strength to get through the space between the clouds and the ground. And for the first time in a while i was really wanting it to come. For it to rain. This winter i guess when it rained i think i fooled myself into thinking i liked it. Because i used to. i used to feel freedom in the water and it felt so good to go out for walks in the rain. i liked turning up at school with my hair dripping and my uniform wet. So this year, when it rained, i gave myself halfhearted pleasure and told myself that yes, it's raining, i like the rain. But i didn't. It was just there. But this morning, i was really wanting it to rain. It's the start of spring. It was relatively warm and, i don't know, it just felt right. i thought maybe if it rained then it could be a good day.

Nevertheless i arrived at school via Kelsey's house. Last day of term three. And we were sitting there next to the heater going "fuck, this year has passed and we have fallen away, we have counted the minutes go by." Five weeks of next term, exams, and then that's it. The year has gone. It's gone and i have nothing to show for it. i hate myself for that.

All day i was feeling restless. i needed to move but everything hurt so much. My bones felt feel weak and fragile but i wanted want to break them apart. My muscles felt feel like they were are being torn apart, cut through with scissors. My ribs felt feel bruised all over. And my skin just. Argh. And i was so, so tired. Because i have slept not very much at all lately. Sitting in classes i couldn't sit still. Music was fine because it was writing and colouring in our scores. Math was okay because i wrote notes in pretty coloured pencils and drew pictures. But then it was awards assembly and i sat at the back we sat there for eighty three freaking minutes and the hall was all people and people and clapping and my head hurt.

i thought all i had to do was count the bricks in the wall and everything would be okay.

At lunch i slept. i dreamed what i always dream. And we were all missing.

When i got home i sat in my room on the floor and cried. It didn't last very long but it hurt. It's been a while since i've done that. Cried in the daytime. i had to call my father to come home early to take me to dancing because i didn't have time to walk.

We are all missing.