i think i only post on here when i'm angry and emotional and nobody is online.

i don't know what to do about this sex issue. Like, after tonight, i'm pretty sure it's T. i just hate that she's not telling me, not brave enough to tell me. That i'm left here WONDERING whether my accusations are correct or wrong so that i cannot actually accuse anyone out loud. That at the moment, after tonight anyway, i am hating T because i'm now 90% sure that it's him. And that SUCKS. So much more than if it was anyone else. But i don't KNOW because she won't tell me which is kind of understandable but i feel so left out of everything. Especially if it is T. And i have to keep acting like i don't know but i think she knows i have suspicions and i don't know.. i'm just really upset that's she's leaving me in the dark about this. Especially if it's who i think it is. i don't want to be playing these guessing games. i just want a hug.

Ugh, tonight in the car he held onto me longer than i liked. i don't think i'm going to go near him again ever not that i can actually carry that through. Especially because i left my bloody phone in his car. FUCK EVERYTHING.

but then i look at him and i don't think he could be such a dick to do that? i don't know
but she's been seeing him a lot
but "you owe me"? seriously?
i'm just so confused WHY WON'T SHE JUST TELL ME 
I'M RUNNING CIRCLES IN MY HEAD 

Hi, i'm the most emotional person in all of ever.

fuck. just. 

i want to die. i don't want to be here.

This morning i walked into form time and mr machin goes "can i have a quiet word with you?" and i say -sure- and he says that my kilt is too long and it needs to be hemmed. And i shrug and say okay and he tells me to do it before next monday. And i say, well, i don't know, my mum will have to do it and i don't know when she can, and he says, you could do it and i say i'm kind of a busy person and he says that's no excuse, he says "give a busy person a job that'll take 20 minutes and they'll do it" and i'm finding it hard to breathe about to cry so i just mumble okay and for some reason it's really hurting me. What is wrong with having my kilt a little longer? i don't know, for some reason i need little things like that. i like my kilt at this length because it's my sister's, i wear them the same as she did, no alterations these were hers. And i just hate the authority he has over me. That he can tell me to change the length of my fucking clothes  and he won't let it go until i do it and i don't want to because i don't agree with his reasonings but i wasn't strong enough for an argument. 

And it's thursday night and all dad does is watch the fucking races and when he's on the phone which is every five fucking minutes the internet gets cut off and he thinks he knows me. He thinks he knows everything that goes on in my mind. That i'm a selfish little bitch. Lazy and heartless. Well maybe i am. But i am so so sad, is it wrong to concentrate on my emotions for a while, and not act as if i'm okay?

And i just feel so.. inferior. To everyone. Everybody's doing really well this year and i just can't. Everybody's moved on from the earthquake and i just can't. i am so anxious. All the fucking time. My physics internal is the first excellence credits i've had this year and that really, really worries me. i hate getting merits. That calc one made me really, really angry when i didn't get the e. And i didn't get the speech and my music ones need to be fixed and anyway i don't even like music anymore. Today in music we watched the chamber music performances from last night and mrs K was there and i just wanted to be were they were. They all sounded so beautiful and put all that feeling into it and i'm just so sad that i didn't get to be in a chamber group this year even though i'm trying not to show it. i only have one more year of school. Blahhhh. And i'm not enjoying dancing at all, Georgia is just really pissing me off and i just don't fit in at all with the people. i mean, i never really have, but it's just really getting to me lately. And Margot's doing really well and i'm so jealous of her but i see her tumblr and her complaining and shit but she's got such a great life.. She's smart, pretty, has friends, involved, just.. everything.. and she doesn't give a shit for me anymore. i mean, it's okay, i guess, i wouldn't be my friend either. But it just hurts seeing her do so well. Everyone's doing things. Natmun and competitions and just general involvement and planning for after school. But i've got no idea where i'm going and i see no future and i can't get involved with things because i'm not good enough or nobody cares enough to ask me or adfghgsfd. And i really wanted to go to Argentina for the exchange but Dad wouldn't let me and blah. i need a job but i don't have time and i'm wasting money and life and EVERYTHING. 

i think i'm starting to get sick again and my wrist is still fucked and i'm so tired

i'm so tired

i'm so tired

sing me to sleep

Also.

Home sucks. i dread coming home every day. i want to get out but i can't. i wake up and i don't want to.

rantingafgfhgdsfadsfgh

Fuck

everything.

i can't handle this. It was okay again but now i don't know. School is so so hard and i'm not used to it. i'm used to knowing things. To not having to really pay attention in class. But i don't understand most things in class now and i'm too tired to learn. In Spanish i don't think i've learnt a single thing this year and it really worries me. i only got an achieved on my practise writing internal which i should have got at least a merit or excellence on. My speech only got merit. Classics i understand but i only ever got merits for the tests. i don't enjoy music anymore. Teach is really nice but i just don't like her teaching style and i don't like the pieces we're studying. Physics i just find boring and i don't care about any of it. English is boring and i don't really like her teaching either. Calc is hard. Very hard. And i never (ever) practice cello at home anymore. 

Today was the calc internal. i was stressing all day and in music i was just distracted and depressed and Ms Sato  was thinking that asking me shit i don't know (or care about) over anyone else would make up for it or something? i don't know. And Yazzy and i were freaking out. And then when it came i thought i could do it but i couldn't, i just couldn't. i was almost there but i just couldn't see it. And then Claire said she did them both in half an hour. And everyone seemed to get at least one. But i didn't. And for some reason it really really upset me. i think it's because school is pretty much all i have left now. But i don't even have that. i used to be smart. Now i'm just average and don't have the energy to be any better.

i'm tired, all the time. And hating and angry all the time. Fuck, i hardly even like DW anymore. It's actually pissing me off and the internet is making me hate it more. But i keep watching it because i don't want spoilers and the like. Oh, also, today at internal M and all her new cool friends were in the Gate room. And fiveish were sitting outside when i got there, eating, because we're not supposed to eat in the Gate room. So i went to go inside where it was warmer. But M and shit were sitting around a table, eating. And when i walked up to the door they kind of glared at me. Like i was scum, like i didn't belong there. In the Gate room. So went and sat with the others, and me and Claire had a little rage to each other. We've been driven out of the Gate room. Because  M and her friends are too cool for the common room or something and need somewhere new to hang out or whatever. And you know what? i really love M. But i hate her. i hate what she's done to me and what she does. When she came up to me and hugged me on the first night of EC i was happy. And in the moments we had together at EC i thought she was going to be friendly and nice for the rest of the year. On that last morning of EC we sat together. And Camp Dad did the talk in the big top. And he asked everyone who knew Isaac or who had lost someone in the earthquake to stand. And i stood and she stood beside me and am i crazy for thinking we were going to be close again? i hate that she does this. She said that she'd see me at school but she'd text me before then. i was doubtful, of course, with reason that she always says things like "we'll do something" or "i'll text you" and she never does. But on the night before school started i got a text from her saying "i get to see you tomorrow!" or something of the like. And i though. Oh. So you actually want to see me? And i thought it a little odd but we had a bit of a conversation and then she stopped. And at school she barely even looked at me. And she barely has since then. Except for when i gave Gini my old iPod and i had a big rant to her and she said that if i needed anything i should text her. And text her again until she replied. So that weekend i was having a breakdown and i couldn't talk to Becca so i said Margot. Talk to me? and i sent two more texts without replies before i gave up and was alone. And on the Monday she didn't even look at me. i walk past her and i know she knows i'm there because she looks right at me. Right through me like i'm not there. i'm just going to fucking stop talking about M because it's really pissing me off. 

At dancing i am no one. And i just can't be bothered with learning the right stuff or putting effort into it. And i can't do my ballet exam because my pointe shoes are broken and my jazz exam fees are late and i just really can't be fucked with contemporary. Fuck. Just. Fuckkkkkk. 

think i'm going to pass out from tiredness
fuckkkkkkkkkkk

cathartic gas

Is this what i am?

Your last resort?

And another thing.

i was forced to go into town last weekend. FFFFFFFF. 

And about Tim - i just can't. And i feel so bad because by the sound of it i'm really the only 'friend' he has left in the city. And he's lost so much. But i can't bring myself to be that friend to him anymore. i have taken so much from him and i feel terrible. 

i think what pushed me over the edge is Rebecca giving him that library book. For some reason that really, really pissed me off. It wasn't hers to give away. She knows i needed it back and worse than that is that she knows i have trouble talking to him lately. i guess she thought it would mean i'm forced to talk to him. Maybe she thought it would be good but i can't handle seeing him. i felt like she was choosing him over me. That book meant a lot to me. It was one of the truest, saddest, heart wrenching books i have read and i know she appreciated it too. But giving it to Tim took that away from me for some reason. She hurt me. Over more than just that. i still love her. 

i can't talk to him and every time i think i'm strong enough to try it doesn't work out. 

i feel like i'm giving and giving and giving my heart away to the same people but they don't notice. They don't notice that i'm there waiting for them to notice i love them and to notice that without my heart i am hurting so much. i am in so much pain and no one is noticing. 

Last year the first people to send me to the counsellor was not the people who knew i needed it but teachers. Those teachers didn't even say anything to me. 

On top of everything i have that to worry about, too. School. It's not easy anymore. i can't just not pay attention and pass tests. i have so much studying and work to do every night. As well as dancing. People complain at school about 'not having any time' and being so stressed when they do nothing compared to me. i have 1.5 - 3 hours of dancing every school night. 

i wake up at 6 every morning. i get ready for school, i walk to school, do schoolwork for an hour then go to class. Six subjects. i do homework and study at interval and lunch. After school i walk home. i do chores, i have a snack, i go to dancing. i come home, i make myself dinner which does not give me the nutrients i need, i do music practise. i do homework, i study. Then i give myself a break around 11.30 to go on the internet if i can afford the time. My mother makes me go to bed at twelve. i then stay awake until she sleeps so i can turn my light on and finish off studying or homework. On top of all this i am dealing with anxiety, sickness, family issues, and full on heartbreak. This is my life. It's not okay. 

i have community service to do. Also, i'm scared for Soph and i love her but i can't do anything and i can't help her because she's telling me how she's breaking down and crying and i'm doing the exact same and i don't know what to tell her. i've tried so hard but when i tell her the same she doesn't even try. 

FUCK WHY AM I SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH. 

Ignorant.

i honestly thought that if we could get through what we did last year it would be okay. 
i thought it meant we could get through anything. 


The heartbreak i felt last year was at the time the worst feeling i have ever felt. Even worse than Alex dying. But last year was real. i could put my finger on exactly what was wrong with her. Maybe not me, but her getting better helped me and i thought it would be okay. In those months i felt weak and exhausted and lost and alone and dead. But we got through it. 


i think she's gone. Oh fuck, she's gone. She's gone. i have never felt so physically heartbroken. To know that she's hurting so fucking much and there's nothing i can do and she doesn't want me. i can not talk to her anymore. i will see her but i can't talk to her because she doesn't want to see my face or my words or hear my trouble. My girl-from-the-lake is gone.

What can i do now?

And i have so much anxiety. i am too terrified to enter my own bedroom. i cry all the time. i am so scared and angry all the fucking time.

i see no future with myself in it. i hate my mother. i do not hate my father but he wants nothing to do with me and we do not get along. My sister lives in a different city. She is getting pills and the help she needs for her anxiety without our parents knowing. i only know this because Tim told me. i haven't properly talked to her in around a year. When we are with each other we are only passing time. i only visit her in Dunedin to get away from everything in Christchurch and earthquakes. The earthquakes. i am petrified. They scare me so much and i cannot handle it. Luckily they hardly ever happen at school or dancing. When i feel them i cry and sometimes have anxiety attacks.

i can't sleep. When i do i have nightmares that are so vivid. Occasionally i have lucid dreams and then it switches to real life. My monsters come alive when i am alone. The doctor gave me sleeping pills. i pick up a week's worth every Thursday after school. But when i use them the dreams get worse, so i don't usually take them. i never took the antibiotics she gave me, either. i don't know why. i have stashes of pills in my room. My subconscious is making me save them. i suppose for if i really need an escape. i really need an escape. i don't want to be here. 

i am alone. i used to be alone. But then she saved me and i learnt what it was to be not alone. But now she's gone and i have never ever felt this alone. So cut off from everyone. So without hope.

i miss Margot. i miss her and i love her but she doesn't remember that we used to be friends.

i looked in the mirror. Tears tears tears and i started to be someone else and i didn't recognize myself at all. i don't know what is happening to me. 

i know i need help and the worst thing is that i will never be strong enough to tell the right people or say the right things and i'm terrified that one day i will just lose everything and finish it.

No one is here for me anymore. "Sometimes the wrong people save us."


My only hope is that Auntie Deb is still going to Canada and that she might take me with her.

i can't deal with this.