rantingafgfhgdsfadsfgh

Fuck

everything.

i can't handle this. It was okay again but now i don't know. School is so so hard and i'm not used to it. i'm used to knowing things. To not having to really pay attention in class. But i don't understand most things in class now and i'm too tired to learn. In Spanish i don't think i've learnt a single thing this year and it really worries me. i only got an achieved on my practise writing internal which i should have got at least a merit or excellence on. My speech only got merit. Classics i understand but i only ever got merits for the tests. i don't enjoy music anymore. Teach is really nice but i just don't like her teaching style and i don't like the pieces we're studying. Physics i just find boring and i don't care about any of it. English is boring and i don't really like her teaching either. Calc is hard. Very hard. And i never (ever) practice cello at home anymore. 

Today was the calc internal. i was stressing all day and in music i was just distracted and depressed and Ms Sato  was thinking that asking me shit i don't know (or care about) over anyone else would make up for it or something? i don't know. And Yazzy and i were freaking out. And then when it came i thought i could do it but i couldn't, i just couldn't. i was almost there but i just couldn't see it. And then Claire said she did them both in half an hour. And everyone seemed to get at least one. But i didn't. And for some reason it really really upset me. i think it's because school is pretty much all i have left now. But i don't even have that. i used to be smart. Now i'm just average and don't have the energy to be any better.

i'm tired, all the time. And hating and angry all the time. Fuck, i hardly even like DW anymore. It's actually pissing me off and the internet is making me hate it more. But i keep watching it because i don't want spoilers and the like. Oh, also, today at internal M and all her new cool friends were in the Gate room. And fiveish were sitting outside when i got there, eating, because we're not supposed to eat in the Gate room. So i went to go inside where it was warmer. But M and shit were sitting around a table, eating. And when i walked up to the door they kind of glared at me. Like i was scum, like i didn't belong there. In the Gate room. So went and sat with the others, and me and Claire had a little rage to each other. We've been driven out of the Gate room. Because  M and her friends are too cool for the common room or something and need somewhere new to hang out or whatever. And you know what? i really love M. But i hate her. i hate what she's done to me and what she does. When she came up to me and hugged me on the first night of EC i was happy. And in the moments we had together at EC i thought she was going to be friendly and nice for the rest of the year. On that last morning of EC we sat together. And Camp Dad did the talk in the big top. And he asked everyone who knew Isaac or who had lost someone in the earthquake to stand. And i stood and she stood beside me and am i crazy for thinking we were going to be close again? i hate that she does this. She said that she'd see me at school but she'd text me before then. i was doubtful, of course, with reason that she always says things like "we'll do something" or "i'll text you" and she never does. But on the night before school started i got a text from her saying "i get to see you tomorrow!" or something of the like. And i though. Oh. So you actually want to see me? And i thought it a little odd but we had a bit of a conversation and then she stopped. And at school she barely even looked at me. And she barely has since then. Except for when i gave Gini my old iPod and i had a big rant to her and she said that if i needed anything i should text her. And text her again until she replied. So that weekend i was having a breakdown and i couldn't talk to Becca so i said Margot. Talk to me? and i sent two more texts without replies before i gave up and was alone. And on the Monday she didn't even look at me. i walk past her and i know she knows i'm there because she looks right at me. Right through me like i'm not there. i'm just going to fucking stop talking about M because it's really pissing me off. 

At dancing i am no one. And i just can't be bothered with learning the right stuff or putting effort into it. And i can't do my ballet exam because my pointe shoes are broken and my jazz exam fees are late and i just really can't be fucked with contemporary. Fuck. Just. Fuckkkkkk.