And about Tim - i just can't. And i feel so bad because by the sound of it i'm really the only 'friend' he has left in the city. And he's lost so much. But i can't bring myself to be that friend to him anymore. i have taken so much from him and i feel terrible.
i think what pushed me over the edge is Rebecca giving him that library book. For some reason that really, really pissed me off. It wasn't hers to give away. She knows i needed it back and worse than that is that she knows i have trouble talking to him lately. i guess she thought it would mean i'm forced to talk to him. Maybe she thought it would be good but i can't handle seeing him. i felt like she was choosing him over me. That book meant a lot to me. It was one of the truest, saddest, heart wrenching books i have read and i know she appreciated it too. But giving it to Tim took that away from me for some reason. She hurt me. Over more than just that. i still love her.
i can't talk to him and every time i think i'm strong enough to try it doesn't work out.
i feel like i'm giving and giving and giving my heart away to the same people but they don't notice. They don't notice that i'm there waiting for them to notice i love them and to notice that without my heart i am hurting so much. i am in so much pain and no one is noticing.
Last year the first people to send me to the counsellor was not the people who knew i needed it but teachers. Those teachers didn't even say anything to me.
On top of everything i have that to worry about, too. School. It's not easy anymore. i can't just not pay attention and pass tests. i have so much studying and work to do every night. As well as dancing. People complain at school about 'not having any time' and being so stressed when they do nothing compared to me. i have 1.5 - 3 hours of dancing every school night.
i wake up at 6 every morning. i get ready for school, i walk to school, do schoolwork for an hour then go to class. Six subjects. i do homework and study at interval and lunch. After school i walk home. i do chores, i have a snack, i go to dancing. i come home, i make myself dinner which does not give me the nutrients i need, i do music practise. i do homework, i study. Then i give myself a break around 11.30 to go on the internet if i can afford the time. My mother makes me go to bed at twelve. i then stay awake until she sleeps so i can turn my light on and finish off studying or homework. On top of all this i am dealing with anxiety, sickness, family issues, and full on heartbreak. This is my life. It's not okay.
i have community service to do. Also, i'm scared for Soph and i love her but i can't do anything and i can't help her because she's telling me how she's breaking down and crying and i'm doing the exact same and i don't know what to tell her. i've tried so hard but when i tell her the same she doesn't even try.
FUCK WHY AM I SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH.
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